The measurement of a man – examines and even asks the questions about these things that can help make a relationship grow, can stimulate conversations and can provide answers.
Topic ; Sexless Marriages and relationships
Hello my friends,
Its such a huge problem in some marriages, to the point where people tell this very old joke;
Sex ? not anymore, I am married.
How very unfortunate this must be.
My one client Ralph, is in his early 50’s. He got married to the church Sunday school teacher, a very prominent person in the church, the person many church sisters seek out for advice. At home she is a different person. One way she has chosen to display her unhappiness is, she has stopped providing him with sex, for months now. He told me that he has become now so unhappy, that he too does not desire sex from her any longer. He said they are like brother and sister living in the same house. So what was a beautiful start and lovely relationship that led to marriage, is not that any longer. Now they both just exist together. They both pretend at church that all is well, but people are slowly seeing the cracks in the relationship even at the church, its becoming harder to hide.
Another lady was lamenting to me how she is in a sexless relationship. The couple are not married but live together. It seems with her that things started going bad after about 3 months of them living together. She feels that he is just tired of her and kinda wants out of the relationship, but he is unwilling to just say so. Instead, he just treats her like a friend he lives with, nothing more. It’s taking a huge toll on her, because she still see’s the relationship as one that can work, and furthermore she does not want the embarrassment of having to tell all her friends that she had already told this was “Mr. Right” when she was moving in, that she was wrong.
Well, I was able to speak separately with both of them and found out that what she was thinking as far as him wanting to get out of the relationship is true, but that it’s more to the story than just that. It seems that he did not realize just how much problems that was in her past, that she now is displaying hurts and continuing pains from. He said it was so bad that he has tried to get her help, but she refuses to even consider it, saying she has handled it all herself already, which he disagrees with completely. So as a result, he is just trying to ease his way out of anything to do with her.
In another example, a woman was married and after many years her husband lost his desire for sex, she said. Since then, she said that he would rather just watch TV or work. She said that she went to a therapist and was told that relationships reach a peak and then level off over time and that eventually the years can lead up to no sexual desire and more of a friendly relationship. Well I did not agree and asked to speak to both of them. When the 3 of us had our chance to talk, we were able to have some very frank discussions where the wife revealed that she feels much less desirable as a woman of some age and that she no longer gets wet before sex, he revealed that his problems with erections has him to the point that he just does not want to try and fail anymore.
The reason I used these 3 examples, was to show that for a variety of circumstances sexless marriages or relationships not only exist, but also is more common than many people may have imagined.
Now certainly I believe that in EVERY case, it can be corrected or at least made better.
In case # 1 – where Ralph was not getting what he desired from his wife sex wise. In my further understanding and them both sharing, what became clear is that his wife had lost her feeling that he was “being a man” in the relationship still. When I pointed it out to her while she was alone, she agreed. I could not tell Ralph this directly, so instead I told him a secret about women. A man can be a good man for 5 years in a row, but if he’s an asshole for 30 seconds, his woman can act like he has always been one. The feminine responds to the moment – forgetting history. As I repeated this, he finally made a connection and told of how he was in the past and how he had decided to just let her have her way and not put up a fuss. It was then I was able to tell him, NO SIR. That was the wrong thing to do, never give up your manhood for peace and quiet. I told him he cut off his own balls and gave all the power to her, that could never work in a healthy relationship. As he rebuilt himself, he then started seeing positive results in her.
In case # 2 where the woman felt the relationship was ending but she feared what her friends may say and that she did not want to face up to some stuff from her past. Well this one was much easier. It was time to let go and that was that. If a person is not ready or willing to face up to past problems that are still being carried into the present, and when you have tried with no success, let it go. Not all cases is going to have a perfect ending. She was just not ready to face things with truth as yet.
In case # 3 where age and insecurities about sex is creating unwanted anxiety, this one took time but was easy to get on the right path again. With the wife, she got back to light walking daily and was provided an excellent lubricant to use for her dryness issue. It was a flavored kind and she picked a particular one her husband liked so that he could start helping her again by applying some lubricant and also participating in some oral sex with her. For him, in helping his wife, he felt as a contributor to her sexual happiness again, we also had a healthier regimen for him to consume during meal time and he also began walking. Lastly we provided some ED pills that had good results, giving him back his confidence. They are a work in progress.
For everyone that is having problems with sexless relationships, its very important to discuss this with at the very least each other. The objective is not to place blame, rather it is to seek the truth and find a meaningful way to get the relationship back on track. This is never accomplished without truth from both sides, but it never has to to be mean spirited. All things should be done with love in your heart.
Thanks again for listening, this is ….
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